I don’t want to be a Debby downer… but recently things have sucked.
I’m trying to keep a positive outlook, because this is my life right now is my ultimate dream come true. (I didn’t know that for a long time but it seems obvious now.) And I know I am getting a chance to do and have something that not even woman gets the chance to. When I found out about my little Button I promised myself I would never let the negative thoughts, opinions, and ideas that surround motherhood and children in on this miracle.
This experience and sweet outcome are worth too much.
I want to feel honored and joyful that I get to go through these tough moments… I want to stay peaceful when things are hard… I want to have a thankful heart no matter what… because I don’t deserve this adventure.
But I think the hormones have finally caught up with me. I’m more tired and unmotivated than I have felt yet. I feel sick and just don’t want food or if I do it’s something extremely specific. I can’t get comfortable no matter what I do, and having anything around my waste just doubles my distress. Restful sleep is officially a thing of the past and I find my self more irritable and moody.
Today, I just miss being regular old me.
Not to mention I had a horrible fight with a few people in my life that I just need… people who SHOULD be there for me… who SHOULD come to my side and encourage me… people who SHOULD be understanding and supportive at this time of all other times… but they aren’t.
Honestly, they never have been. These people that I wish would just love and accept me constantly make me feel judged and “different.” They regularly bully me and put me down. They take advantage of my husband and manipulate us to serve their will. They make us feel terrible at times, and then put us down some more. They talk about us poorly to others when we aren’t around and expect us to act like servants to them, responding whenever they have a request.
Even during the best of times it is hard for me to let these things go and love them. To put a smile on my face and keep trucking because they are my family and serving them is a way I can show them love. But right now… I just feel like it’s a little ridiculous to expect a couple expecting a baby in a few months to be at your beck and call when they have so much going on themselves. Not to mention, it’s terrible to expect ANYONE to just be at your service any time of day, whenever you decided to give them a call.
It’s not that we don’t want to help or love them. It’s just that we desire and need respect and consideration in the process. You know?
It just doesn’t seem like a lot to ask.
So I feel frustrated and angry… that people we love would treat us like this and have the audacity to insult my ability to mother this baby. I just… don’t even know how to handle that.
Everyone has down times. Times when they feel let down by those around them. Times when they feel they have let themselves or others down. Maybe it just feels worse because I feel a mix of both at the moment. I’m sure I’ll be back to my usual happy self in no time… and I won’t let this off moment steal all of my joy… because I honestly believe all the things I said before. This is worth TOO MUCH to make it something negative.
I bet I’ll be a whole lot happier once I get these effing uncomfortable pants off!
(Don’t get the wrong idea, Gent, I mean to immediately put some sweatpants on!) 😉
So, I just needed to take a sec and get that out… because right now I can’t just keep it inside. I need to defend my sweet Gent and myself. I just… needed to vent.